BOOK OF RUST

HEAD OR TAILS

This is a story that should have been done by someone else. By now I could be the only one left to say it. This is mainly about the time I was in the service back in 1969. And looking on the internet and researching and finding nothing on what happened in Okinawa during Nam. So, to make sure that it is not forgotten I will write this account of that time so be it.

Most of us have forgotten the way things were that led into the war in Nam. The 1st being the draft which means you have to enlist in the service. So, we all new growing up the choice was not ours Looking back before I got out of elementary school, we had the Cuban missile crisis around 1963. And we were all told that our future could be gone. And tomorrow might not make it. How can it be so hard to understand where the flower children came from? Is it so hard to understand why they would want to have a life? I remember my teacher telling us in case of a nuclear attack we were supposed to get under or desks. Even at 11 years old we could tell our teachers, parents, and elders had gone insane and lost their minds.

Not long after that president Kennedy was assassinated in Dallas and we all fell into a silent shock. Then one thing after another started to fall apart the murder of his Brother and Martin Luther King and the story of the American Dream turned into Fractured Fairy Tale. And my own family lived through its own fractured fairy tale. My parents threw me out of the house at 14 years old which was the first time I came to life even though I had no idea where I was going to go I could breathe. I still went to school to finish that up. But the cop’s came with papers signed by my folk’s saying it was a waste of money to teach me. And the school board agreed so they told me to get out and not come back. Just before that I was excommunicated from seminary. For comparing the public prayer to testimony meeting. This was at Provo high but it might be because I had long hair back in 1966 the only other person with long hair was a drunk bum named Buzz any way.

I found out I was worth something with a friend’s family I cleaned and kept things up like I did with my folk’s but this new family thought I was wonderful the best but that did not sit well with my friend and we got into a fight and that was the end of that.

After that I hung out in Pit Park getting high and drunk and going through the dumpsters to find something to eat. And giving relief society ladies what they needed to feel better and have a bed to sleep in’ until some little kid came over to me and asked why I wanted to destroy his family. I said I did not want to do that just wanted some fun. He said well just until my dad finds out. I guess we all learn the hard way I was hanging out in Springville when I met my friend Kim, I’ve known him since but he took me home with him and I stayed with them till I went in the service that was Kim and his Mom. My Dad was a professor at B.Y.U. And we did not get along to say the least. Any way me and Kim went up on campus and got into the art building and went around tipping over art statues and drawing mustaches on painting with Sharpies well we got caught and put in a room and told to stay there till they got the cops. We weren’t hand cuffed so we left. I’m not sure if it’s still 500.00 dollars If I show back up on campus Just an input you would think that any church would feed a hungry kid but you would be wrong and it wasn’t just my old church none of them wanted to bother hard for them to do when they are walking around with rocks in their hands wanting to know if you wanted to get stoned. You know it seems like they care more about who has the best chance of pointing it out than the point, you will have to decide if what you really care about is your church isn’t that idolatry. And what ever happened to free will??? Wasn’t that what it was all about to begin with? Or is that a side show?

Any way back to what this book is all about. What lead me to joining the service was I was picked up for stealing color TV’s from a school even though I did not do it I was looking around the school for any kind of money and trying to get some coke’s out of the coke machine. Any way 6’s or 5’s I was given the choice service or boys ranch. They offered me a 180-day delay to sign up. I must have thought I could make it to Canada by then. But at that time thinking or caring did not have much to do with anything. So, 6 months seemed like forever. Funny thing looking back, it hard to believe how much did happen. Flower power was traded in for war and hatred picking up a PPK and a blade and a belt with a cowboy buckle on it, to use as a mace on some one’s head. Back then they had a gang called the Woiwodes a bunch of cowboy assholes that went around beating up long haired guys or hippies. And finally, at the hot springs they began to killing us. Then we started putting them in the hospital or doing the same. So, when the cops no longer protect you join a gang. So now there is no escaping to Canada I needed to get out of my home town I had high hopes I would find a second chance with my family without ever knowing what I did wrong to begin with. And whatever caused my family to throw me away to begin with. Finding out I was going into the service they thought I had hope

And so it begins. Being 17 years old I needed my folk’s approval before I could enlist, they were only too happy to do that. Funny thing I always thought if I told them I did drugs they would throw me out. And I did at the enlistment center he just told me not to tell anyone because he said he wasn’t going to. My 1st red flag I would later find out what he meant. But for the time being my family took me back at that time I would take any hope I could find

The irony of life never stops amazing me. I ended up marching in the days of 47 parade in the Utah platoon after the parade they took us to the airport and got on a plane for San Diego then the party was over. They had fenced in buses waiting to take us to base. To make a long story short I did not shit for 2 weeks. Because we found out that our platoon commander was black and our drill instructor was an x Mormon the other was gomer pile. And we went from being the Utah platoon to being seagull fucking cricket lickers and that was our new name, something to help us feel right at home for me they did not know just how right they were. You know how they say they are not allowed to hit recruits or put their hands on them maybe because they like to talk a lot. In some ways that was true their favorite way of taking care of you was to put you in a locker with bare feet and set a fire under it in an ash tray then beat the sides with a baseball bat. This was to make us hard and kill crazy and it worked. We were doing laundry one day and I heard someone screaming and I saw this recruit come out the door on the second floor climb up on the railing and do a swan dive on his face. He had just killed his drill instructor with a dull bayonet. I saw more than a few folk’s dead at boot camp. They had trained us to want to kill they were just hoping it would be the enemy. Any way after everything is said and dumb all the seagull fucking cricket lickers made it out of boot camp. They even made me a P.F.C. Prick first class out of boot camp
I can’t remember if I went home first or camp Pendleton. Where they showed us who they wanted us to kill and the best way to do it. And getting ready to go to Nam. When I was being trained, we had a platoon commander say something I never forgot. He said “you will discover when you’re in Nam that the real enemy will not be the V.C. Or the N.V.A. And you will find out if you have the real courage to stand against it. I could not understand the madness of what he said till later. After Pendleton we were on our way to Okinawa. After landing at Katrina air base they shipped us of to camp Hanson. After we got to camp, we were put on lock down. Two guys who just returned from Nam jumped two guards took their rifles and opened up fire on a squad of 2nd lieutenants killing many before turning the rifles on themselves. I think the idea they had was to have guys who just came back from Nam help us get ready for it. But they were telling us stuff I could not believe and they had lots of photos of dead gook’s and neckless of ears. At the chow hall I got beat up trying to defend our country and learned to shut up and just listen.
About that time, we were told there was going to be a change in commanders of the base and we were told to get ready to go stand in formation to greet the new commander. We were marched out to the field where we would be standing in formation. We had a black captain march us out there but when the new commander showed up the guys from Nam started throwing tomatoes and eggs at the new commander. I could not believe what I was seeing I was in shock. Somehow the black captain who had marched us out there turned white he was screaming so loud I could not understand a word he said but when he soaked our company flag in lighter fluid and set it on fire the whole company cheered
That’s when I started to listen to the guys who came back. And I began to understand there was never any plan to win that war. There were a lot of opinions why we were there and none of them were any good starting with thin the population and I remember listening to a lot of folks say because of China we had to do something about that. Which explains why they were so interested in a body count. We were finding out after Hamburger Hill we were part of that body count. After knowing that I could not get drunk enough or high enough to deal with it. That’s when I got started on China white or red rock heroin most anyone who shot it up died it was 90% pure. Most of us just put a pinch in the end of a smoke and that shut out the world and any reason to care and except the fact you were supposed to die. If you want proof just look at what happened at the V.A. Hospitals and their death rooms. There were some that still held out hope that our country cared and my heart goes out to them. Who wanted to believe that you were putting your life on the line for assholes who never wanted you to come back? That was the wonderful thing about China white you didn’t give a damn until you ran out. I snorted about 3 cents and ended up in the hospital having a corpsman take my temperature over and over as well as my pulse. I could see he was yelling at me it sounded like someone yelling at you when you’re under the water. I finally heard him say dude your physically dead that when I headed to the surface that was the 3rd time I had died.
Whenever we went on leave to town, we headed to Kinville They had a wine there called Acadoma and it would knock your socks off. I remember I was going to get a tattoo across my head saying bad brain but I passed out and had to be carried back to base.
The one thing I thought I knew about was sex and what to do back in Utah. But after going to bars in Kinville it was a wonder I even knew how to breathe in other words I knew nothing. The sad truth is it would not matter if I could explain what happened. I would not know how to explain to folk’s in America what took place. How can you explain to someone who has never walked what it’s like to walk? When we feel better about killing and the justification for it. Rather than sex of any kind or the happiness that goes with it. So, we just get together and suffer for the cause we don’t know any better.
Maybe that and Hamburger Hill made China white look pretty good. One thing for sure you can sure shoot better. Our commander had the best record on the shooting range. But when we all went out to qualify on the shooting range, I was making a run for it. I was getting ready to pass it when the drill instructor came over and switched my rifle over to full auto to save the day. You are really calm on China white.
Even though I never used a needle there I ended up with Hepatitis B and ended up in the hospital. Also they had a riot in Okinawa the cab drivers wanted more pay or that what I heard. But it was getting out of control. So we were preparing to go out on riot control. The odd thing was we were not allowed any ammo or were allowed to put on bayonets. But they were coming at us with broken bottles on the end of bamboo sticks. Oddly at the same time they were shooting students at Kent state with that and Hamburger Hill the American dream was nothing more than a fractured fairy tale. And all our officers became impersonators pretending to be Americans. I sure as hell did not want to fight for them or kill any one for their cause. It was like the battel of the Bulge Nazis were wearing officer’s uniforms. The world just turned to shit. There was a lot of fraggings on base and everything was going to hell. Any way back at the hospital they decided to send me back to the states I don’t know why but I was happy to go.
They sent me to Oakland Hospital where they put me in a locked psychiatric room. It was nice to get out of the hatred even if you were locked up for being crazy by crazy folks now that’s got to be crazy. But it was nice to have 2 weeks of R&R, that’s where I met a good friend a squid named Curt Kerby. And we were both able to drink rippel until we were crippled. I even had my girlfriend’s big sister come to visit me and she took good care of me. Well leave it at that. After being there for 2 weeks they had me go see a psychiatrist. He asked me if I have ever done drugs. I told him I did every drug I could think of or heard about. After that he asked me to draw him a pitcher. So I did and showed him after that I never saw him again. It was a drawing of a mutant eagle on a globe of the world ripping an anchor through it. The MP’s came looking for it but I had given it away. After about 2 weeks they sent me to Treasure Island across from Alcatraz Island.
I felt these would be my last days from the way the officers were acting around me. This is where they send folk’s there not sure what to do with. A company of oddities and uncontrollables, druggies and homosexuals. We were not locked up here in fact they would let us go on leave to town. After I got set up with my locker and bunk bed, they were going to let me go on leave. I was getting ready to go to Oakland and one of the guys there have some purple micro-dot “LSD” so I dropped a couple of hits and was getting ready to head out. But the guy who had guard duty got sick so they called me up. I only had a few minutes to put my uniform on and report to duty. The last time I wore my dress uniform was in Okinawa in Kinville I had puked all over my shoes and when I left, I crammed it all into my duffel bag. So I showed up to the officer on duty with puke on my shoes and messed up uniform. And he just started into screaming at me. I was weathering the storm pretty well. But he must have noticed that is what I was doing. At that point he stopped and stood right in front of me. Oh, I did not mention he had an eye patch. He looked me right in the eyes and flipped his eye patch up his eye was cut in half. Holy shit damn hell I felt the top of my head come off and a jet stream was blowing through it. After he could see I had lost it he told me to get out and report for guard duty he was happy he blew my head off Thank God I got out of there.
For most of my life I was as comfortable with God as I was with hell. After all these years I can see he was watching over me. And I finely figured out in my old age there are two ways of looking at God. The one of Noah’ Jericho Sodom and Gomorrah or Revelations or who gets to throw the first stone stomping out the grapes of wrath. Or the one of Elijah waiting to see God discovering he was the comfortable breezes or Jesus it comes to free will. You only think of this if you think your facing your last days. It seemed like Treasure Island was the end of the line. You could look out my barracks and see the pier and I could see late at night they would be bringing out full duffel bags and throwing them into the bay. Where big sharks would come up and attack the bags. I don’t think they were throwing food away in them. Depends on how you look at it. It was sure a strange way to feed the sharks. Most of those in charge of us there seemed to care less. But the staff sergeant in charge of our company was a big bastard and a nasty son of a bitch he used to slug guys in the head if he was in the mood to. One day he was really tearing up the guys trying to get them to move faster. Funny thing when you’ve had the fear beaten out of you. It doesn’t matter anymore what any bastard can do. You just want it to end. When I came up to him, I slammed the chair into the wall and said, “With all due respect, sir, if you put your hands on me I will fucking kill you.” Weird how that due respect works. Not to mention he was twice my size. He could have killed me. But he backed up and I started walking down the hall hoping my knees did not shack or buckle.
Then the day of hope came when they declared amnesty for all junkies in the service. I was the 2nd guy to sign up the first guy had to be traveling at light speed It was the first sign of hope. Before that I was sure I would end up in one of those bags going to the sharks. Now I’m grateful I didn’t go kill folk’s for those dirty bastards for a country that just don’t care. I had a chance to get out.
The day came when I was headed to Myanmar air base drug treatment center. A van picked me up and we were headed to San Diego. Before we got there we stopped at a naval base outside the city not sure where. The guys from the van took me in handcuffs to the basement of the base where they stood me up in front of this captain and two squids they had Billy clubs they were smacking their hands with. I could tell they were going to let me have it. Then the captain started to scream at me about duty and honor and why they shouldn’t beat me to death. Funny thing happened again you might as well get stupid. I looked him right in the eyes and said, “Because I’m A Fucking Communist,” I don’t think they were expecting that. They stared at me for what seemed to be 10 min and then just walked away. After that I was back in the van headed to the air base. When I got there they said there was to many guys there already. So we got sent to an abandoned missile site called Sycamore canyon. When we got there they had about 500 honored service men there. And about 5 guys to each space. The amazing or odd thing about that rehabilitation center is there was any kind of drug you could imagine you would just have to find the right cubical to get it. I never remember more drugs in one place in my life. It was a very strange place they had this silo where a missile blew up and a lot of the building around it was destroyed. Anyway me and my squid buddy decided to go on an acid walk up into the hills. We started to head down the old road at night but we forgot that rattlesnakes lay on the pavement at night to worm up lucky for us there were none that night. But we kept heading for some lights we could see in the distance out in the middle of nowhere. When we finally got there it turned out to be an ICBM launch sit. When we got close they opened the doors and said we knew you were coming and they knew who we were weird. They gave us something to eat and drink and sent us on our way. Damn I thought they were going to kill us.
After about a month there they sent us down to the air base. And that was the start of the process to get rid of us. When we got there things were a little intense. The officer in charge was freaking out trying to turn junkies into good service men screaming and becoming a wacko. The next morning I saw an ambulance come to our barracks and they took away that commanding officer. I heard someone had slipped him a hippy nuck 10 hits of acid his brain was gone. After that things ran pretty smooth we all just went through the motions waiting to go. One night when I was on guard duty I saw a new recruit try to jump over the wall. One of the guards yelled at him and he dropped of and ran and hide then the guard yelled he would shoot him if he did not make it over.
Finally the day came when they were going to let me go. I could not believe it I never thought I would see the day they were going to send me home to a place I did not belong. But the truth was I did not belong there ether and I thought for sure they were going to kill me. When you knew the only reason you were there was to die. I think the folks at home justified it as a necessary evil to thin the flocks. When they saw the folks from China flooding the world.
I at least felt better for standing against the war and grateful for the heads up on what to expect when we got back. If you’re lucky it will be nothing. I’m not very good at getting spit on. I had no expectations just glad to be out. I guess it was real hard for most service men to come back to the home of the spoiled rotten brats who are never happy with anything. But who cares I was just glad to be numb and dumb.

I think I lasted about a month before I took off hitch hiking around the country heading south. Real glad I made it through the Bible belt a lot of christens walking around with rocks in their hands ready to stone someone. Not the good way ether. I really liked Austin a real nice place folks were very kind. But Huston was a lot bigger and scarier found out later I was on the wrong side of town and way to hot. And I had to walk for miles and no one would pick me up. Finally one older guy stopped and gave me a ride. But It wasn’t that long before he made a pass at me. Worse than that I could tell there was something very wrong with him. Anyway I had a hunting knife on me and I pulled it out and said pull over and let me out and he did. Years later I saw him on TV he was arrested for killing young men and burying them on the beach Dean Arnold Corll. The next ride I got went all the way to Tallahassee. Then it was a short trip to Tampa Fl. To see my squid friend from the service. Anyway this is the same old story for any service man trying to find his way home. When you realize this is somewhere in a dream and you wonder if there ever really was one. Just another episode of the fractured fairy tail. Sure seems like money is a lot like toilet paper it collects a lot of shit. And fame is just misspelled or pronounced — it’s more like framed. And it turns out the friends you had in the service that you counted the days to say goodbye to. Are the ones you wanted to keep? But you find out you can’t go back there either. They are all trying to find out why no one cares after putting their lives on the line to save spoiled rotten assholes a terrible truth that faced them all. How is it that some of us end up fighting for the right to exist and you do anything to scrape off the feeling of being a chump. Funny thing about all the stuff they sold us out with turns out to be real. George knew what he was talking about farewell to kings as well as the constitution and the statue of liberty. They are like churches using God and the bible to make a buck. But the concept is real and good symbols are not more important than what they were meant to represent. The truth is you can have money as long as money doesn’t have you.
The really great and wonderful stuff in life is priceless. But so many folk’s demand there 30 pieces of silver they must really want to hear the prostitute to say they love them.
After traveling all around this country I came to a conclusion that I was not going to find an answer I even forgot my question. So I decided to go back to school and learn a trade. I was going to be a carpenter. That lasted about a year, when I just about got into a fight with one of my teachers after that things were kind of a blur I was trying to find a porpoise but was nowhere near a sea to know what I was doing. Until I heard this info or infamous commercial about gold in Oregon. And that was where my gold fever started. And I thought we could get rich in Oregon. We had a friend who had relatives how lived there. So me and my Bro. Kim took off hitchhiking to get there. We did well till we got to Burns Oregon which is nothing like the coast. It’s a desolate dessert and hot like the name say’s Burns around 110% standing there from dawn to dusk before a trucker picked us up. It had been a full day without water the driver had a pint of vodka under his seat. But hot vodka is better than nothing it hit the spot and we felt better as well. So we finely got there a place called Surprise Valley and we found our friends they lived out in the country side in an old farm. They let us stay in the old chicken cope. We scraped out all the old chicken poop. And we found an old ford falcon that still ran without oil it ran as good as a four wheel drive we drove it up and down the hills around town. We would go hunting dear at night with flood lights. And we would take the battery out to charge it up to run the car stereo after we ran that falcon up until it died then we moved the stereo into the coop. It turned out to be the driest year on record so there was almost no water to pan with to find gold. My Bro Kim found work with this older guy who was kind of weird, and he told Kim where he could find gold but he would need some snipes. He went on to tell him how he planned to go to a cemetery and dig up folk’s and cut off their wedding finger and take their wedding rings. That cured us both of our gold fever. It turned out to be a good lesson on life you can learn to live with just about anything if you’re not giving up who you think you are or what you need to be you.
I learned a lot of that at home after I was thrown out. There’s a lot of good food in dumpsters some of the best eating I’ve had as long as you listen to the others before you they warned not to eat anything with red or black mold on it. But you could eat the stuff with green or blue mold on it if you cut it off. And I learned to use the hobo stove which is a coffee can with cardboard rolled up in it and covered with wax makes a good heater too it will keep you warm. One of the good things I learned in Oregon not everything you read in books is true. I went on a nature hike with rolling papers I found something in an encyclopedia about mistletoe you can see the Gods. So I found some and decided to smoke it started doing that and asked Kim for a nose hit So he gave me a big noes hit and blood shot out of both my nostrils so I believe what they said you do see the Gods because you die. After I stopped my nose bleed I wandered off and set in a field and was watching an outdoor movie show funny thing though there were no outdoor movie theaters there. Then I wandered off to the town of Canyonville and got into a big argument with Kim I got very upset with him and left. I headed back to the chicken coop and ran into some crazy folks who stopped to tell me some one was trying to kill them and they were going to die so I was freaked out all the way back. When I got back I ran into Kim and I started to yell at him about what had happened back in Canyonville. He looked at me like I lost my mind and said he never left. Right there was a good reason to give up drugs after that we started to think about making it back to Utah except are losses and move on.

Not to be a part of the mass hysteria over pot or even drugs that have been used for years to overcome pain and depression and turn it into a black and white issue . It’s not there is more to it than that. The cost now for any drugs needed to help you are out of reach with the cost of them. And if you do pay for it outside the system you go to jail. And as far as drug pushers go our government leads the race when I was on the street selling crystal meth the main dealer was a guy that worked for the FBI that’s one way of knowing where all the meth was going. And my guess is that’s true for most drugs. It sure turned out true for cocaine during the battel in El Salvador a reporter discovered after military cargo planes illegally dropped off tanks and equipment they returned back to base loaded with cocaine and this was shown on the news. And there still playing the game. But they still destroyed a lot of small folk’s they made money on. The only difference were not forcing them into the gas chambers we have incarcerated more folk’s than the Nazis or any one else’s in history. And it’s the only way to fill up the military after Nam or a new way to bring back slavery to save on costs. Now doctors can make a bunch now that morals aren’t in the way. That’s why so many folks are dying now from overdoses. You gotta wonder who they were trying to save with this war on drugs. And wonder why it’s taken so long to start legalizing pot. Nobody growing boobs or overdosing there might be real benefits 50 years to find that out. And are they going to let folks out of jail for pot now we’ll have to be sorry for them for putting them away. Because they don’t know how to be sorry maybe because they really are. They are still sure that was a magic bullet that killed President Kennedy. It’s hard to know what to believe so many myths about what’s real. And after all those doctors stood up and said smoking is okay you know the truth is for sale it turns out to be true for history as well. So it comes back to all of us to find out for ourselves what is truth and what we believe which is the way it always should be. When you want to find what is real it doesn’t add up to much it still comes down to what we believe just look up to the stars in heaven and you will see that you can’t see because there is too much no boundaries no end and no beginning and what’s holding what that’s why folks can say just about anything. And that’s why you have to decide what matters to you. So if it matters then hold on if it doesn’t then get rid of it. Most folk’s I’ve talked to when they are dying only want just one thing that I’ve heard is that there loved one be at peace with one another. So finding loved ones might be the most important thing that folk’s want maybe the family you were born with or the one you found along the way the ones that celebrate you not the ones that tolerate you. I hope all those that were in the service well understand that home is where you decide now it’s not where you used to be. The good thing for me was I did not have a lot of expectations so not a lot of disappointments just a lot of sucking in the air and avoid a lot of folk’s
It wasn’t long after getting back to Provo that I realized I had to move the cop’s did not like me much and they made it clear after we were cruising center street looking for chicks. We saw some chicks calling us over so my Bro Kim pulled in next to them and rolled down the window to talk to them and this chic came over and she pulled out this can of shaving cream and sprayed it all over his face. He began to scream and opened his car door but forgot it was still in reverse so his car was about to run over him till I jumped over and stomped on the brake to save him by then they were gone. But it was on we were after them looking everywhere. And we did find them and cornered them in. They locked the doors and my Bro Kim started screaming at them and one our friends who joined us jumped up on the car he was a big guy we called tank and I whipped it out and started pissing on their car. But they freaked out and took off with our friend tank on their car holding on for dear life doing 80 miles an hour down a 25 mile an hour street up and down the street until some guy pulled up alongside of us and pointed a 45 at us and said pull over or I will kill you so we did. Anyway they had us along with the chic’s who started it after talking with us both they took the chic’s to jail and told us to go I still can’t believe that. Thank God tank was still okay.
Another time we had picked up some girls and were parked out in front of their house and we were sharing some pot we had just got. We had been smoking for some time when we noticed a cop pulling up behind us. And it was a cop who hated me a lot we called him Barney Fife. The other guy that was there jumped out and went to talk with the cop but he told him to go put his hands on the hood of the car so he turned around and headed for the hood but he took off instead and Barney took off after him they ran almost to the end of the parking lot when he looked back and saw I was backing away he was about two blocks away and almost had the other guy but stopped in his tracks and started running after me. I could not believe it we both had an ounce of pot on us but I gave mine to the girls they just got up and walked into their house. I was still running backwards I could not believe he was trying to catch me I just ran around the block climbed up a rain gutter and hide on the roof and watched him run around in circles trying to find me he lost every one. And all you could hear was the sergeant screaming at Barney for about an hour. That’s when I knew it was time to move
Salt Lake City seamed a lot slower or easy going or I just did not know that many folk’s there. So it seemed safer but that was the only time I got busted for drugs I was at a friend’s house smoking pot when the D E A broke the door down and busted the home owner they got me as a side dish I was trying to get rid of my tithing box when a DEA guy pointed a 44 mag. At my head so I was off to jail. Oh the tithing box was full of pot that why I went to jail. I was amazed my dad came up and helped me get of jail on his word after all he was a B.Y.U. Professor I must say he tried hard to make things right but I was too stupid to let that happen I would not even drive back with him. I decided to make it back myself and got picked up by a drunk Indian doing 90 miles an hour down State Street I was lucky to get out of that car alive. You know I always hated cops and the next person to pick me up was a highway patrol officer but I gotta tell ya he was one of the most decent persons I have ever met a real good guy it just shows you never know.
After that I moved up to S.L.C. With some friends and we rented a house where four of us lived until we found out one of us was stealing from the others so we all ended up get our own apt. which is easier and harder at the same time but peace of mind is worth the money. Then we all just joined the parade of workers going back and forth as well as our relationships. There seems to be a need to impede the wellbeing of others. In or attempt to find someone who could love us for the best person we can come up with. If we only knew who that person could be. In the endless struggle to find a way to be okay. All the time you’re still going back and forth to work and doing it over and over again waiting for the week end so you can go to the bar and look for hope who ever she is. You think if you get drunk enough you could polish a turd, What I discovered going to the bars with the very worst cones the very best I think that holds true where ever you go life is balanced. Like water in the rapids the water is clean but turbulent when it’s in a pool it tends to get stagnant and poisoned. If you’re not struggling with life you become a numb-nut with no reason to try. If the best doesn’t happen then make the best of it you can Bruce said it best with every wish there comes a curse.
When I was still in Provo I went to a trade school to learn carpentry and take up the trade to make a living for a year. After I moved to S.L.C. I got a job building high end homes my boss was a good carpenter but as a human being he was an asshole a self-righteous LDS Canadian he liked my work but he did not like me. And because I had long hair he made all kinds of comments about me being a girl and a pussy for two years. One day he set me up for a fight so he could show his kids how daddy was going to beat up a girly boy. He never brought his kids to work so I should have known something was up. He had the new guy set up a confrontation. I can’t remember what it was but I started yelling at him when the boss came running over telling me I was fired. I said fine and threw his air gun across the floor and turned to leave and he took a sucker punch at me slugged me in the side of my head. I switched on let the monkey out and slugged him hard in the hard hat knocking it off and sending him to the floor. That’s when I reached over and grabbed him by his red hair and was going to slam my knee into his face. But he could see I was going to kill him and he was right and he was right I wanted to kill him but I was so upset that I kept pulling hair out of his head and he was scooting across the floor as fast as he could. I had one of the foremen hanging on the back of me trying to hold me back the other foremen pulled out his hammer and stood in front of the boss I said fine I’ll kill you too. Then I looked over and saw his kids in terror wondering if they were going to see their dad killed. That was not in my plans so I just started screaming at him the other workers on the other project were yelling kill him. Anyway I told him to eat shit and die I’m outta here and started to leave. He came running up and said we can work this out and asked me to keep working there. Not knowing where I was going to find work I said okay I felt like a cheap whore. I worked there for three more months until one day working below his house I saw a glint or flash of light coming from his house and looking closer I could see he was looking through a scope on a rifle at me that was the end of that job. After that I got a job owned by the KKK the thing about those folk’s is they hate just about every one including them self’s they say there for white folk’s but they don’t like them ether besides I don’t think there are any white folk’s any more the truth is they care about good looking folk’s whatever their color the rest don’t mean a damn to them or any other color there are all kinds of KKK now there are black KKK red KKK yellow KKK brown KKK everybody got to have someone to look down on. Jesus died for nothing I suppose. The devil must feel pretty good about the job he’s done
When I first thought about being a carpenter it was a very honorable job now days it’s the first job you get out of prison I went to trade school for two more years and got pretty good at being a carpenter after a lot of odd jobs I was finally able to join the local union as a journeyman carpenter it felt good to know someone had my back and make good money. It seemed like things had turned around for me life was getting good. I even found the lady of my dreams at the bar Crazy Horse. I should say she found me she was so knock dead beautiful I would have never approached her. I had almost got into a fight with a so called friend but she came by and grabbed me by the hand and took me to the dance floor. I could not believe it she was knock-dead gorgeous so I just went with it. We got out on the dance floor and started doing some hot dancing you could call it dirty dancing or we just really liked each other. After the dance she just walked away and I thought she was just slumming and wanted to do something dirty so I walked over to another girl and then she came back and grabbed me by the arm and pulled me away acting like she was shocked I thought okay she wants to start slumming again I could not believe she wanted anything to do with me she was damn good looking. So I asked her if she wanted to come home with me and she said yes unbelievable. We got to my house and went inside and my friend Wierd Doug was there with a waitress from the restaurant I go to. So she grabbed my arm and we headed to the bedroom and the rest is none of your business but it was wonderful. She told me she was going to California soon I asked if I could write her and she gave me her address. I wrote her and told her how much I liked her in fact I told her that I loved her you have to be careful you’re not too careful or you will never get to know how things can work out. After some time she came back and we decided to make a go of it. And I got to say it was truly wonderful and I began to discover there was a lot more to her than just good looks. Her smile could make you melt and make my black heart flutter. And those were some of the best days of my life I will always wish I could have held on to that as long as I was around.
But like everything you have to fight hard to hang on I wish now I would have fought harder. But not having very much confidence in myself thing began to slip away. We went to the grocery store one time and she was very upset with me and started hitting me calling me names and slapping me all through the store and as we were leaving she came up in front of me and spit in my face. I snapped, grabbed her around the neck and some little voice told me to beat her ass. So I ripped her pants down and panties and beat her ass. Some guys started yelling at me so I threw her in the truck and told her don’t fucking move and started yelling back at those guys thank you thank you thank you and chased them around the parking lot. Any way I got back in the truck and drove home no one said anything. It turns out she was a lot happier again but I was still very upset that it came down to that I hate that thing inside of me but I tried to let it go. We went out dancing one evening and I saw her kissing some other guy. I told her when we got back to the house that I was going to send her back to California that’s when she told me she was going to have a child so we decided to make a go of it and make it work. Pretty big of me huh I was still mad she hurt my feely things I was pretty wishy washy in those days. Turns out she was the only lady brave enough to tell me I was a father after all those years of trying it seemed too good to be true. Looking back now it was the kindest thing anyone has ever done for me. But at the time I was starting to see what a total doofus I was. I knew nothing about women having babies it seemed the harder I tried to help the worse it got I just ran off to work and tried to hide when I got back. I have to say this for her she kept working until just about the time it was due she also did not drink or smoke while she was carrying. She was a better man than me. I have to say I was in awe of her and how well she handled herself I however was lost not knowing what to do she must have felt alone I can’t believe how courageous women are Even her job at the nursing home took a lot of guts to do when I went to see her I could not believe all the crap she went through.
On the day that we went to the hospital I had everything ready to go. She came due in the middle of the night I jumped up and got ready ran out to start the car but it would not start so I called a cab I never knew she knew so many swear words any we got up there but it was too late to give her a shot to relive the pain. So she told me a whole bunch of new swear words she was in labor for 9 hours I took her hand and tried to act important when the time had come for her to push she nearly broke my hand and called me a whole bunch of new words. I have to say now that women are so much braver than me it’s ridiculous. God knew I could never be a woman I would have my tubes tied. When my daughter came into this world I just about passed out from seeing the pain that Debbie was going through and my baby coming out purple I thought Oh my God I’m being punished for my life of indiscretion. But the doctor told me it was normal that word sounded so wonderful it’s hard when you see life walk hand in hand with death And I could not believe how strong Debbie was I remember one night she had a dream that I was cheating on her she woke up and punched me right in the face in a dead sleep totally freaked me out. And man she could hit hard she could knock most guys out. Anyway she had to be tough to get through that birth. They had to sew her back up
They put my daughter in her arms. And she saw me for the first time and I heard her say I don’t know how she said it but I heard it clear as a bell and I will never forget she said do you think I’m okay do you think you could love me. I just about fell on the floor I’m not sure I have ever heard anything so powerful. I was in la-la land I went home and watched 60 min. on crib deaths and ran right back up there. By then I was all in to being dad. I can’t believe that anyone who has seen that doesn’t believe they have just seen a miracle of a child being born. Looking back at what she said I believe that is what every soul is asking when they come down hear wants to know do you think I’m okay do you think you could love me sadly for some this is not to be
Before all of this happened I was pretty lost puzzled and confused but when I left the hospital I realized I was still lost and puzzled but no longer confused. I knew exactly what I had to do and that was take care of them whatever it cost. And this is why I was here it was time to step up to the plate and deliver this was the start of the best of times and the worst. Things started to unravel with the union and things started falling apart with my ex. Before I start whining and crying about my life I had to admit Debbie my ex and my little girl deserved a lot better than me and if I didn’t let anger get in my way I would understand this. Debbie stayed with me for 3 years the closest runner up was for 3 weeks. And what you start to remember is you don’t own folk’s if there not there because they want to be then you know you have to let go of what you never had a hold of and they can choose whether they want to be with you and they don’t even need a reason. Any way I saw that she had been sleeping with some guy in a VW in the morning that had to be bad enough because she was a tall lady. And I knew at that moment she was gone but we played it out for a few more months I moved down stairs and she slept with the guy up stairs and before you think I’m weirder than I already am I found out there dealer or his dealer had threatened them with death as well as my little girl so there was no way I could go anywhere. Even though I did not get along well with my father I asked him for help to get my kid He offered to help I could not believe that. That’s when I got a lawyer and started putting together a case to get my kid. My ex thought that was pretty stupid of me to try and I found out my Lawyer was trying to help her. This is where I need to say if you start talking crap don’t have that stupid look on your face when things get crappy It turned out I did not need that Lawyer any way Debbie came to me and said that our little girl would be better off with me I think she knew the new guy wasn’t going to be a better deal it did not take long before she found this out
Just before all this happened I had an art show in salt lake at the Blue Mouse. My art is along the lines of Salvador Dali in other words it is surreal kinda extreme. Any way my friend came up from my home town so I could take him up to the Blue Mouse to see my art. When we got there they had some group there in charge of the art show giving every one there a drink and some cheese and telling everyone what the art meant how weird is that? I found out they were a part of a group called the O. T. O. which were renegade Masons I found out later an old friend of mine who joined them told them about my art show. When I told them what I meant when I drew them they were very excited to find out I was the artist. And they demanded that we go with them to a party afterwards. I sure wasn’t thinking I was just glad someone liked my art. I knew something was wrong the minute I walked through the door it’s not like everyone was stoned the looks on their faces was way beyond that like they got stoned and went to church very creepy. For those who don’t know about the Masons or at least those at the top are very scary any how some guy named Aster Crowley broke there code and formed the renegade Masons he was the guy in England the one they said was 666. Any way the guy that seemed to be there leader was very committed to try to get me to join them. And he got so carried away try to do that he started to change I mean transform into something else I could tell we were in deep shit the only thing I could think to do was offer him a cigarette and that seemed to stop him in his tracks and he calmed right down and every time he would get worked up again I would offer him another smoke. Just in case you don’t understand what I’m saying his face was altering into something else I did not want to know I can safely say that may be the only time that smokes saved my life. And we got the hell out of there as fast as we could.
This is the part about fortune or fame the same old friend who had set up the folks at the art show had set up another art show in San Francisco. And my greed and self-worth kicked in and I would go for it. So I left my little girl and my ex behind and took off for fortune and glory and off I went to San Francisco when I got there they were eager to get and get my art put up. As it turned out it was a Christian college and with my art running on the weird side it kinda spooked me out. Any way I spent the night in a sorority house with the same goofy occult I meet at the blue mouse but that wasn’t going to stop me I was ready to be famous . I got up that morning and we headed over to the collage and put up my art work up. It started out very nice and I meat some very nice folk’s and I was having a great time. Then someone came up to me and said there was some folk’s there who were very upset with my art and were talking about tearing them down and burning them. Then came the mad rush to take them down and get the hell out of there. Things went downhill from there I was just trying to find someone to get me to the airport so I could get out of there. Someone said they would at the house so I went there to find a ride they had a party going on. They asked me to sign a book for a ride so I did and then they tried to tell me that I belong to them and the devil that was the last straw I started screaming at them that if they did not get me to the airport now I would curse them repeatedly in the head with my fist. I’m usually a pacifist but when I have to I PASS A FIST. Any way they got me to the airport. I told them there that I was finished with art so there was no reason for them to come around ever again. The last thing I wanted now was for any of them sick fucks to be anywhere around my little girl.
It was great to be back home and see my master piece my little girl and it was time to start becoming a real dad and taking care of her. Which means I had a lot of improving to do because of everything my family as well as teachers and other folks who led me to belie v would be unfit as a father so I was always looking for someone to be her parent and raise her the right way. But after everything was said and dumb and years of being a bad man with very few reasons to be a good one. But now with my little girl that had to change I had to suck it up
There was still no work through the union so I did a lot of odd jobs and started back with some large construction company and had to find a day care to watch over my little girl. The 1st time that happened was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. When I was leaving she started screaming and crying and looked at me with such betrayal no matter how many times I told her I would be back man I felt like a scum bag that day. After a very long day when I got back to the day care I had to have a long talk with the day care owner. They told me that she got upset with some little boy and beat him with her jelly shoes. After a long talk I reminded her that I did indeed came back and fear would make you do some very bad things and never make anything better.
The one thing I found out about construction work is that most of the workers and bosses had lost or abandoned their family’ or were on their 2nd or 3rd ones. And it was getting harder to leave on time to pick up my little girl from day care so I did not have to go to the police station to pick her up. Without being threatened to lose my job. I had one boss who got so upset that he told me to show up to his house and bring my daughter. That turned out to be one of my favorite days with my little girl I found her a hard hat that fit her and we had a wonderful time vacuuming his house. Although while I was on this job I faced the most terrifying times of my life even though there was more than my share of them there. There is always going to be an asshole on every job this one sure exceeded its limit we were stripping panels on the wall we had just pored and I had just pulled a panel off and was calling out for someone to grab it. But found out the foreman or foreskin just let everyone go on brake without telling me so I was 15 stories up holding on to a sheet of plywood and the wind would grab the plywood and pull me away from the building and if I would let go someone could die below the other time was they needed someone to ride the cement bucket up 15 stories up on the crane to pore the top floor
There is no carnival ride that could top that. But the worst by far was yet to come.
About the same time when I was working at this job some of the most terrifying I have ever been through my daughter started feeling sick on the weekend and I told her to stay in bed and I would check up on her to see how she was doing by afternoon she was still getting worse so I ran next door to see what Mrs. Green thought she looked at her and told me to take her to emergency right now. So I garbed my little girl and ran her to the hospital. When I got there they told me they thought it was scarlet fever. After they had taken some tests they told me it was Kawasaki’s disease and the only help they could give her was aspirin but because of the high fever they were running the risk of rye syndrome by then I was terrified she was getting big red splotches all over her body and feeling very bad. I kept thinking how the hell this could happen the truth is no one knows where this shit comes from. But what it does is thicken the blood so much that it stops your heart I was already scared as hell there was no way of knowing how she got it only doctors know when someone gets it. That was the start of two week in hell they would come three times a day to take blood out of her little arms she really hated that it was very painful for her. So I brought my sleeping bag so I could stay by her and try to keep her spirit up and stay by her side. They brought in a specialist from London who came in and took a look at her. Then he came over to me and told me to make myself ready for my little girl to die. It’s hard to believe the crap that comes out of some folks’ mouth when it’s that bad you think that should come out the other end. Any way I snapped looked him in the eyes and said if she dies I will kill you. If she dies I will already be dead so I will take the crap with me when I go and I will carve my initial on your forehead so no one else can clam taking out the crap. I think he took off to London after that and all the rest of the doctors were a lot kinder. After we had been there for a week and a half and me trying to keep up hope and pretend to be a tough guy one night my little girl was telling me she was too tired to keep trying any more. It hit me then my little girl was trying to tell me she was going to die. That’s when I broke apart and fell to pieces and started sobbing like a little kid my heart was crushed my tears must have falling on her arm that when she reached up and put her hand on my face and said its okay daddy I will try harder. That crushed whatever was left I could not believe she did not know how much I loved her I had become my dad that is when I died and someone else took over my body and though I did not like God I started praying and begging for hope. Any way that was the day I died real love sure weeds out the pretenders because you can’t bear to lose it. Like standing over your kid’s grave even the idea of that made me lose track of me or who I thought I was. I was so sure of what I was doing and where we were going now I was lost had no idea of what to do or where to go I was messing up everything. And friends and family were telling me about someone I did not know. Even at work I lost my position and the ability to do the job I’ve done for years. The only good thing I lost a so called friend I hope I never see again
Before my little girl got sick I had quit smoking for two years but after that one night I was back to smoking two packs a day just like that in terror of that night is still with me now I feel panic whenever I do. I think my smoking was my way to make sure I died before she did. I think when you lose yourself instead of hearing who you are supposed to be. You need to move away to find out who you might be so I decided to leave SLC and move to Tucson AZ everyone started freaking out which gave me more rezones to do it. So I got things put together for the move but I wanted to let my good friends know how much I was going to miss them and we would have a get together to say goodbye. So I fixed up some food and have some good booze for a good send off. That is an understatement about the booze we had found a new tequila called ioi woresse it was 101 proof and normal tequila cures most any inhibitions this tequila flat out eliminates them as we soon found out at the party the girl from downstairs and my good friend Kim were taking shots and then she asked him if he thought her boobs were okay and showed him after that it was one shot after the other pretty soon my girlfriend showed up with her roommate some gay guy and we all ended up out on the lawn by then my friend Kim and the girl downstairs were losing it Kim passed out and so did she but she also lost the bottom of her bikini and we had cars lining up out on the street and my girlfriend said I had better do something about that so we got her downstairs. Man there was a lot of guys that showed up but I talked to her roommate told him what guys were off limits and the rest were all his that worked out pretty good it was a real good send off,
I was going down to see my uncle Steve he was always my hero when I was growing up he always treated me like I was somebody that mattered I felt like he was one of the best folk’s I ever knew. And before I go any further I will always be grateful that he let me stay there at his home But after saying that I have to say he sure changed he was not the same guy I remembered but he gave me the chance to get a foothold in Tucson. And I found a job and moved into an apartment and meat one of the nicest lady’s I have ever known she was real short but when it came to her heart she was 10 foot tall and she used to work in a porn shop funny how that works out. But she helped me learn how to be a better father. And they had a pool there and my daughter loved that so much I thought she might be a fish. But it got to the point that she would sneak off and go swimming on her own which scared the hell out of me I was afraid she would drown. One day in October I caught her coming in to the apt. and she was blue and shacking she was so cold. That’s when I told her if she ever did that again we would move to a place that did not have a pool that ended that. And I sure did not want to move from the lady who was now my best friend Ruth Kennedy I sure did love her I never knew someone so kind and understanding she helped me in so many ways. She helped find out who I was and it turned out I was a pretty good person for being such a bad man by so many who would have believed that. And for the next two years were pretty wonderful for me and my daughter. But she started missing her cousins and family and was starting to have problems in school. And I started to realize we needed to head back. Also my mother kept telling me how bad things were getting with her husband and she did not know what to do about repairing her house. Anyway I started making plans to head back to Utah. It felt real bad that I was leaving my best friend Ruth she had helped me so much putting me back together.
I think every parent has to decide whether there child is more important than they are. Even I did not have a 2nd thought about that, because if you do you’re not going to amount to much. I was sure hoping I could make it back to see my friend. The thing I loved about Tucson is no one messed with you maybe because everyone had a gun and in some cases a machinegun one of the old lady’ at my apt. had an Uzi looped over her neck so Tucson was very peaceful but there were a lot of dead bodies out in the desert so a funny kind of peace. Anyway my little girl’s Mom called and wanted to fly her back to see her family I thought great good timing it will make it easier to get everything back. But one thing after the other started going wrong it felt like an episode on TV ether the twilight zone or outer-limits But come hell or high water my little girl was already up there so that is where I was headed. Just as I was going to leave my tail lights went out and it was one odd thing after the other but finally I was on the road headed to Utah. Everything seemed to run good until I got to Page AZ and half way through the reservation my truck stopped I looked everywhere to find the problem with no luck. I hoped in the truck and tried to start it up it started right up and I took off and went about 50 miles and it went out again. I was starting to understand it wasn’t getting gas but not sure why. So I turned around and headed back to Flagstaff after a few stops I made to a repair shop and they found out I had a rock fly up and crimp my gas line. Owe well I was back on the road again getting all the way to Panguitch, UT. Where I was headed down the road and a micro-wind hit my truck and trailer it felt like someone jumped up from the sage brush and hit me with a bazooka. My truck went up on two wheels and I was doing everything I could to bring my truck back down and land it. When I got back down I could see a tire flying through the sage brush. When I finally stopped I looked back and see my trailer was gone and all my stuff was scattered across the freeway. There was only some patches of wood left on the floor of the trailer. I also remembered I had left the cat in the trailer so I was freaking out trying to find the cat and what was left I also put a pound of weed in a pressure cooker and trying to find my Texas 5th of southern comfort. A highway patrol officer had stopped and asked me if I was okay, I said I was I just needed to find my pressure cooker my booze and my pussy he helped me do that. And helped me put all my stuff in the back of his SUV he turned out to be a real good guy. Anyway I got my truck in the shop and called my mother she said there was nothing she could do to help. By the way the cat was okay hard to believe when I found her she grabbed a hold of and would not let go. Anyway I called my dad and he said he would come to get me boy you never know. I sure had a sense of doom when I was headed up to my mom’s house. I sure wished now I would have listened to me. But I’m one of those dumb asses who thinks he can handle it all and make it work. I was about to find out just who stupid I could be. When I got to my mom’s we started trying to figure out what they wanted done what we found out was there was no room to fix or repair anything my mom was a real bad hoarder and there was no place to put all the stuff. They had a large pile of debris in the back. So I sat down with my mom and said we need to have a place to put the stuff in the house so there will be room to work there. But I will need a contract to work on the house before I do. So I can have my own shop there so I can work from there whale I’m repairing and remodeling the house she said that would be okay. This house was a three story over a 100 year old house. My mom got back to me and said she will work on a contract that will work for both of us. I told her I would make a carriage house out of the old lumber. So I got started building and finely got it done even using my own money because I was sure when she saw what a good job I could do she might even be happy. She decided the best she could do for me was to let

me live there as long as it suited her. Boy I felt like a smart guy now I was a single father who had 200 bucks in his wallet I had dumb ass all over me how was I going to take care of my little girl. After I got over my panic attack. I decided to ask my girlfriend Sue if I could move in with her thank God she said yes. My mother and step were leaving for the weekend. So I got everything out and moved in with Sue. That lasted about a month are two kids were struggling to get along and that’s where we lost our cat Rass. One day Sue came up to me and said I have been talking to your mom and she told me I would have to go back and work for my mom if I wanted to stay there. By then I was able to keep that shocked look of my face and I just said okay. The truth was I really did love her up to that point. So I went and did what I had avoided until then because of a promise I made her Mother that I would not try to get money from her to raise our child all I can say now is I tried. Anyway the time had come I went and applied for welfare they helped me get my own place and gave me food stamps. So when she went to work we garbed everything and left and got moved in. She was very upset when she found out but I told her she had already chose so I had no choices and I hated to lose what was already lost I wish you the best but we are done.
I thank God for a second chance I sure did not like going to those welfare classes there was 40 women there whose husbands or boyfriends had left them. Thank God they did not have guns or I would be dead. Other than that things seemed to calm down and smooth out. I found another girl friend and everything started to look up. Little did I know of the storm that was coming hell wasn’t done with us yet. Like any disaster it started out simply and ordinary like sitting down to dinner and listening to my daughter tell me about a dream she had trusted had come to her room and do something that’s just not allowed anywhere. And she wanted to know if it was her fault. Dear God my heart sank through the floor I knew this was no dream and the gates of hell just opened up. I went and sat down beside her and looked her in the eye’s and told her that this in no way is her fault the person you trusted is to blame and you need to be strong now because we need to report this and things are going to get hard. But never doubt the kindest and goodness in you and if you ever wonder just come and ask me I know who you are you’re the most wonderful person I’ve ever known and I will always trust you and you can always trust me I will always believe in you.
I had to go talk with someone I went to my brother and asked to barrow his gun the rage in me turned into a vacant and I was going to kill that SOB. My brother grabbed me and said you can’t be this stupid think why would you desert your kids leave her to the mercy. Damn he was right thank God for family he saved me and my little girl. I had to suck it up and shut up and take care of what’s important my girl and she was sure going to need me to get throw this
Now I had to go and tell child protective services it’s hard to believe they call it child protective services. By the time they were done I’m not sure who did more harm them or the SOB who started this they spent months going over what happened then they lost the tapes and had to start over again. Somewhere along the way I got caught up in the pursuit of justness and lost track of trying to bring healing to my daughter. In the end of all this dirty shit they finely went and asked the person if they did this and they said no and that was it. In conclusion they said they didn’t believe it was me. And then the light came on and I could see depending on your class or social order the higher ups had a right to fuck your kids and don’t you forget it. So despite all there pomp and pulling things out of their shorts. The fine print reads” So suck my dick and give me some if things are too big or to smalls a trick well we know how to fix that shit so suck my dick and give me some” So you can only hope you can hope you have the right to complain. You have to remember these are the same folks who sent their kids to Nam to die they are the new trickle down from that era. Sometimes the bag of crap gets so big we can’t move it. You can get mad and try to roll it so you can show folk’s how shitty things are or you can just let it go and quit trying to get your shit together and just flush it. And realize what we are dragging are loved ones through.
And start taking care of the

ONES we love. I will never understand why folk’s condemn some folk’s and say they will not be allowed in heaven. I wonder if they have ever read the Bible where Jesus said to condemn other folk’s you would have been better off never being born. That reminds me of a modern day prophet John Prine song some humans ain’t human some people ain’t kind some folks have their head in the wrong place I hope it’s not mine. When you’re drowning in crap you gotta look for light and any hope you can find.
It’s good to have a destination to get to but it’s more important to choose the right path to get there because most of our time is spent on the path your destination is something you just pass through. This helped me realize that construction wasn’t going to help me take care of my daughter I found a job with the government because it was steady work but it was in Salt Lake City so we gathered everything up and moved up. The job I was going to was Community Action Program and I had all the hope in the world that things were going to get better and for some time it was. The job was helping low income family’s weatherize their homes saving them money on gas and electricity sealing up leaks and installing double pane windows. I felt truly happy helping folks who truly needed it because there landlord did not keep their part of the deal. And my daughter was very happy to be back with her cousins when they were altogether they were the three amigos Randi Rusti & Rian three girls they sparked her life and her heart. Which reminds me of the words in the gospel of Bob” The darkest hour is right before the dawn so just hang on. And if success walks hand in hand with failure are you at least waiting until things are so-so or have you dealt yourself out. But if you keep finding yourself in a rut maybe you’re looking for them. It might be time to look for something better and you will need to train yourself to do that. I realized that construction was hear today and gone tomorrow I needed something that was going to be a lot steadier but paid less. The most important thing was taking care of my daughter and bring her out from those terrible times helping her understand she was guilty of nothing. I wanted her to believe she had a wonderful gift the world needed to be a better place and let her know that I had everything in this world that a father could want. And I felt like the richest man in the world. But I also felt like I had everything in this world to lose if I could not get her to believe in herself. Because for the first time I relay belied in me as a father and not just a father but a good father a Dad. It’s wired how the corny truth outweighs all the facts don’t add up to much. But trying to get my daughter to believe that was so hard the hurt went so deep and she seemed so wounded in her eyes she felt she did not have the right to exist. And that scared me to death its weird how your children will bring back all your childhood fears. After the disaster at my mother’s none of my brothers or sisters would talk or deal with us for years afterwards. I would get cards for Christmas but after that zippo. I felt real bad that my family turned their back on my daughter. I was kinda used to it so I did not care that much. Thank God for her mother’s family and my adopted brothers Kim Scooter and Joe they turned out to be her real family and she still feels that way to this day. Back when my daughter had Kawasaki disease it hurt her eye’s real bad and she had to wear real thick glasses and she faced a lot of ridicule at school. And for someone who is trying to be okay it can be very hard trying to find a way to belong. And you can try to help them understand but when it comes to those kids at school your opinion docent count for much. And for the parents who do care your good days and bad days depends on how well your kid is doing if they are having a good day it can pull you out of a bad one your having and the reverse is true too. I guess a lot of the hard times I brought on myself I had long hair down to my waist even when it was out of date. WAIT I don’t remember was there a date for that. I think those folk’s just want to be in control of someone or something since they have no control of their own lives. I guess no one ever told them that if they have issues we can get tissues. My heart goes out to single parents trying to cover all the basic needs and never being able to show them how important we know they are. You have to find other ways when folk’s all around you are taking their kids to see Mickey Mouse and you want to so bad it hurts. But we went to a place called Lagoon and it turned out to be pretty good for us both and it ends up to how you want to look at it. I learned a lot about folk’s working at Community Action a lot of folks who had less than I did and were still very happy and very grateful for the help we brought them. And I relay liked my job for the first five years I worked there I worked with a good man Jim was my partner and he was good at this job and showed me what I needed to know about being a father and things went well for us for the first five years. And the place we worked was a good place to work for the first five years and they helped a lot of folks before they started helping them self’s. It’s odd how a place can start out real good and then drift out to sea before they sink down to hell and who knows how they got all twisted around. But the money we made got cut in half and we found out they did not have to even pay you if you were doing peace work. My full pay for one year came to14.700 dollars for one year before taxes. It was like a bad marriage I worked there for four more years. Me and my partner Jim had a falling out he and his family were fighting with each other the guy who once inspired me was falling apart and we quit working together. And on the 9th year I worked there they were going to make me employee of the year and when we went to the picnic they wanted me to make a speech and when I got up to speak I let loose on them what gave you the right to treat the workers like shit and become such assholes. Any way that lead to them firing me. But you have to wonder if there is something that is evil or the devil or whatever you want to call it because something sure twisted those folks around to make them try to destroy their workers and pocket the money meant for those folk’s in need the good thing was that I could afford to get my teeth fixed because they nearly killed me and scared the hell out of my daughter. And when they tried to end the program I joined 1st time home buyers the guy from there took me from way down to the front of the list and took us out and found us our first home not bad for a single dad. My daughter was in awe as we pulled into are home she could not believe it could be true I told her she could pick her own room she was so happy she could not see straight I had to help her not walk into the walls. I have to believe someone or something was watching over me whatever any one wants to call them or it someone or thing is guiding us. The 1st thing I needed to do was get back to work because this could be a real disaster if that did not happen. But the 1st thing I had to do was get my teeth fixed back when I was still working at the employ of the year job my teeth got so bad my head swelled up like a basketball and I nearly died and scared the hell out of my daughter. But when I got the money from work I got things lined up with a dentist to get dentures and when I went in to have it done they sat me in the chair and gave me a shot and got started he reached in and garbed a molar and ripped it out they just forgot to numb it first the pain was so horrific I could not scream I just remember the nurse screaming at me breathe, breathe and when I came to then I started screaming. I believe the 1st health care workers we lost were dentist even now before I retired I had some work done w hail I still had insurance when I went there the one dentist said I needed to get better dentures so when I talked it over with them they lowers the price so I said if my insurance will cover what you say it will we will go ahead with it. When I came back they told me it was covered so we went ahead with it and got it done. They finished up and I paid up and I thought we were done. Until a month later they sent me a bill for the full price I called them and asked why they said the insurance co. would not pay. I reminded them of what we talked about and they just said oh well. I went to talk with a lawyer and they said there is not much you can do. Any way just for shits and gig ells I thought I had better ask the insurance co. if they could pay and they said they will so the dentist office never even bothered to ask unbelievable. There was a lady at the last job at community action program that I will never forget she was a single parent and we were going there to fix up her trailer her kids let us in and I remember talking to her without any response so I went over to her to talk and she just stared out into the wild blue yonder some cockroaches ran across her face and she did not even blink that always scared the hell out of me and every time I think about it still does. Also when I was working there we worked at a family’s house that took living in a mess to new levels I went to repair the shower head and when I walked in you could hear crunching sounds from stepping on piles of underwear that had been pissed on so much that it made crunching when you steeped on them and the smell would almost kill you they also had multi collard food in there jars another house we went to was one with a very old lady who lived there. And wail we were working there we heard her yelling at someone threaten to kill them it wasn’t long before I saw her walking through the house with a rifle yelling she was going to kill someone. I went and looked in the room she was in and saw her yelling at the TV and at a soap opera bad guy she wanted to kill. That sure scared the hell out of me you never know what folks are going to do.
There is a lot of folks who think these are bad people it reminds me of having an argument I had with my grandma about weeds I asked her how do you decide what plants are weeds and what plants are okay and my grandma said it’s the ones that have value so I asked her what about dandelions There pretty they have health benefits and they taste good in salads I’m glad she did not get mad at me. It sure seems like there is a lot of dandelion folks out there and we just don’t like them even though they cause no harm or hurt anyone why do folk’s want to hurt them or pull them up or kill them were just used to doing that. And if we let them get away with that we share the blame. Some of the great dandelions we have killed was Jesus Jon of arc Gandhi Lincoln Kennedy and Martin and just like Capacious we are doing it for God and country in our hopeless attempt to understand value nothing is safe.
Anyway back to where I’m looking for a new job to hold on to our new home. And I found a job with an ex-jar head who had a construction company called panther const. I was desperate to get to work and make sure my daughter would be okay. This guy had done residential work for a long time but he was trying to get into commercial const. I will never understand why they call them the good old boys there’s nothing good about those SOBs. I knew we were going to be in trouble when I heard him screaming at our clients which meant we were not getting paid. But like so many who get lured into commercial construction there is a catch called the due date and if you go over that then you start paying them to go back to work. That idiot even had a cowboy hard hat and after he got through his big rodeo he could not afford to pay us. And had the nerve to ask me to stay with him after all the shit he put me through. If it wasn’t for the foreman we called tuna can something to do with privet parts he was the reason I stayed as long as I did. After a month and a half he paid us and that’s when I quit.
This was a very hard time for my daughter going through middle school. And this is the part of school course where the balance of her life and who she was is at stake. This is the place where all young adults want to know if it’s worth it. And so it makes scene to put the worst teachers there. So this is where you earn your salt as a parent. And you let them know that this world needs them and no one is born an accident we are all hear for a purpose. And we are needed to complete this world. And if you remember to look out to the stars you will see there is a place for everything. And as there parent you replace a scene of dome with a scene of awe and a place of magic. And the point of being an elder or guide to help those behind us to believe. Even if we have to believe for them till they can believe for them self’s. And why I believe in magic more than facts is because facts don’t add up to much but magic is never ending and if you feel limited look up not at your feet. Because the only way you can keep your chin up is to stick your neck out. You can’t stop change even if you are lying in bed and if you won’t get up sooner or later there going to have to change your shorts. Bye the time your kids get to high school you are just worn out and you have falling from grace in your kids eye’s then it very important to remember what you told them about unconditional love and know you can love someone but not everything they do. If you can understand that even if you’re a mere mortal and you’re the one they are beating up on now. Take heart what I discovered is my teenager trusted me more than anyone to forgive her for trying out her wings. This is where you discover that your soapbox did not make you higher you just got back to earth.
I finely got back to work and it was for the union making good money again so I could catch my bills up and keep my home. But it was not the same union anymore I saw a lot of stupid shit that could get folk’s killed and there were a lot of rumors saying our leaders were getting bought out by companies and still taking dues from us workers. During this job my daughter started high school and she just discovered she did not need to wear glasses anymore and could wear contacts. And she found out what I told her all along how wonderful and beautiful she was. We had already talked in middle school about gangs and how fake they were about being a family and how fun it is to party until you get moved up to where it’s not so fun anymore and you discover the family they could only be talking about could only be the Adam’s family. The truth is they own you and you sold your self into slavery and if any one of them believe that’s not true ask them to leave if they dare you can’t. There are a lot of kids who join so they have protection and it too late when they discover who is going to defend them from the gang it’s a terrible thing to live in fear. That’s why I taught my daughter how to defend herself and believe she could. She got mad at me one day and hit me in the arm the next day it was black and blue and yellow so I showed her and told her that she could hit harder than a lot of guys and knock most of them out. It turned out to help her a lot she got into a confrontation with a gang girl and the gang girl was throwing round houses at her and after warning her to stop. She stepped up and into her with a straight from the shoulder to the head and knocked her out and jerking around on the grass. The gang girl was a junior so she did not want to many folks to know what happened I was worried about retaliation but nothing ever happened and school was a lot more peaceful for my daughter And little by little you could see her turning it around and you could see she was gaining a smirk that did not mean she was becoming mean but she knew she could if she had to. And more and more she became confident and I was very relieved even if she stood up to me I was very proud of her and loved her so much.
I just started a new job with the union working on the freeway I-15 it was good hard and steady work mainly cement work and I got known on the job as the machine I guess because I worked nonstop. And on this job we started to see this was the beginning of the end for the union. The first time we knew something wasn’t right was when they held back on giving us a raise and we offered to throw a wildcat strike and the union said no which was odd because not just our crew but others were setting records for getting the work done. Things got so weird I decided to talk with the labor union and I found out they got into a fight with the Aflcio which is the main union and even I knew that was the end of this union because we worked in an open market you did not need to be a rocket surgeon to know we were dead. You would think that would be a call to arms but we found out that the buddies of the good old boys were willing to cut you so they could get a cut. Most of the other members were in disbelief that this could happen and bit by bit we were losing our union. On the last job I worked with the union was at Oakland const. And I overheard them talking about forming their own union. So I went down to the local hall and talked to the union president and let him know what they were planning to do and he started yelling at me calling me a lair and I started yelling back calling him a stupid idiot we almost ended up in a fist fight and that was my last day working for the union. Oh and Oakland did try to form their own union. And in the end they stole or pensions and are 401ks and after 10 years they let go of 10% of my 401k. But I’m not saying we don’t need a union just look where the companies have taken all of us how far will it go before we face the tanks again.
One of the hardest things Dads face is the guys trying to date your daughter I think a lot of her choices are to put you in your place. But I never knew where that was. At first there was the guy with the pink Mohawk. And then some other idiot kid who said he did not have to talk to me I told him your right bob I have no plans to talk with you ether except in mores code he said he did not know that I said it won’t matter he looked confused. One thing as a father you know not to say anything you will encourage your daughter to teach you a lesson. So you learn to just give them the look so you did not have to say anything. I think what my daughter was trying to let me know was she had the right to choose. I wonder if she forgot that I told her that OH maybe that was me. But after everything my daughter has been through she still kept her heart and hope. That for sure is the true measure of a human being is to have the courage to take the heartache and still hold on to your heart. We all hope and pray that our loved ones find the right person. And the sad part is we would not know them if they were staring us in the eye’s. Because now I’m talking about the one guy she decided was the right one. But I was too busy being her dad to take notice. We have now reached the chapter of or doom or my doom called practice what you preach. Thank God her new Mr. took my crap for two years and kept coming back you would think after a year I would get a clue but I had to make sure I was a complete idiot and when the light reached my brain it dawned on me that my daughter would never forgive me if I ran him off. For the longest time he all ways kept my daughter between him and me. But this day he showed up alone at the end of the drive way I yelled at him saying she’s not here. Then he said I’m here to talk with you so I said come on down. So he walked up the drive way stood in front of me and said I’m here to ask you for your daughters hand. I know you’re the one son but it sure makes me feel better this way” thank God for forgiveness and thank God he stayed and for better or for worse I gave them my blessings. You just gotta admire a guy like that.
My daughter was never religious but when she meet this new guy she decided to join the L.D.S. Church and even though I’m not I have all ways told her that would be her decision and I would support any choices she made. And I know a lot of good folks who are it just shows it docent matter what flag you are waving it matters who’s waving the flag. I grew up in the L.D.S. Church but I was forced to believe that’s not saying I did not read the book of Mormon how is it possible that Jesus only said bring the little children unto me and that was it or there was something holy about the Gadianton Robbers or the leader Mormon killing a whole town because they did not want to go kill his enemy I just don’t see it. But that doesn’t mean I don’t believe in my daughter you just have to find some common ground like Jesus I like the guy but I will say most churches might as well worship Caiaphas they don’t have much forgiveness ether or compassion for the downtrodden. There are not many christens now days willing to go to the lions to keep their faith. How can any religion now days claim him to be a part of their church when he turned over the money tables in the temple. Now they have him up for the bargain price of 10%. Don’t get me wrong I really like the guy he brings hope and peace and love for one another. Which is absolutely what we need. You don’t need to be a part of any church to share in that. And if you are doing that because someone told you it was the right thing to do. Then you did not do anything you may already be dead or a zombie you chose not to exist you need to find the reason you are here or why are you. Jesus wants you to know that this world has got to be a better place simply because your here. He’s not in the church you have to find him on your own we don’t want the temple we want what’s beyond the temple.
This goes back to weather you are worth it only you can decide that. If you are hoping for a vote for being okay you’re not and if you know where that voting both is at get some gas and go burn it down. No one has the answers to even if there worth it let alone anyone else were not little puddles were an ocean of emotion there’s too much to know.
Even thou I don’t see it that way I know my daughters man is a very good man and even if they are both L.D.S. I’m okay with that. I’m sad that church won’t let you walk your daughter down the aisle or be at the wedding that can’t stop me from knowing how wonderful they are they are together. I have to admit I did not fund this wedding she did this all before he even asked me for her hand she paid for it all so I did not even deserve to be there. I feel very lucky to have my chance to dance with my baby so I could let her go. And live her own life and be always grateful to be a part of her life. I do believe she believes in her own testimony and not that of someone else. Because if you do you don’t have one is it because you feel you’re not worthy” Why” have you been talked down to so much you can’t get up “Stop it” you need to go out to the dessert on a moonless night and look up HOW CAN ANY ONE KNOW THAT. You can’t you can only let someone bullshit you. Because there’s too much to know there’s no boundaries there’s no limits there is no beginning and no end all of man’s facts get flushed down the poop shoot. Man’s grand parade of lifeless packaging can’t hold it all in. So when you look up do you think there’s more to the universe than just us? We may have come from a perfect place but we sure as hell ain’t that now. And maybe that is what is perfect. The only thing I know that come close is my Ex was so terrified of farting in public she could hold it no matter what. But when she fell to sleep, she could blow the blankets off the bed that’s perfect that only I know that I think? In other words, the closest thing to perfection is imperfection you are going to make mistakes pay taxes and die sure as eggs are eggs so what will you do” Trust yourself” you can know without knowing. The Indians had a way to teach their young bucks it was running through the Forrest on a moonless night after so many trees and branches you run into you find a better way to trust yourself the weird thing is it works. In other words, it’s those small voices that warn you.
The truest and most steadfast things in life are the corniest “like kindness compassion forgiveness hope and the best is love. The trouble with all those symbols is we think we know what they mean and that’s where we get lost. Because we all think we see it the same way I’m pretty sure it’s not even close. Take someone saying they would like to kill someone just about the same thing as raping it what a fornication of the word love. In the same way we think if we join a group a club or religion or country that will define you. To explain it another way is it doesn’t matter what flag your waving it matters who’s waving that flag. You define you decide to believe what you decide to believe and that’s the way it should be no one has seen what you have seen or been through. And if some tells you you’re going to make a big mistake just smile at them and say but it will be my mistake go make your own. You can’t live life for anyone Elise nobody is going to live there life for you.
Thank God my daughter believes things just work themselves out and it comes down to just believing they will. And you can never see it coming I have always been 3rd eye blind as bad as I felt the V. Hospital was they used to call it Frankenstein castle. And as bad as I hated the service it hard to believe I got an honorable discharge and after our health care got critical sick because our government was asleep at the wheel. I find myself in dire straits getting older and all and find myself very grateful they were there and no longer trying to kill vets like they were doing when I got out of the service. It’s just crazy how things work out but I can see that the health care system has got to be taken out of the governments hands and it has to be free for all to keep them from twisting into the mutant health care it is today. And as far as the cost of prescription drugs go. We found out who the main dealer is it’s our own government they had proof on camera with the return of cargo planes on service bases after supplying the contra s in El Salvador full of cocaine. Now the D.E.A. Is its own country I don’t think they answer to anyone outside the D.E.A.? All I can say about that is I hope the war is over for the most part it was as smart as eating someone Elise buggers for nourishment. Kinda like when the folks
are running for government they all say such wonderful things boy they sure can give some great lip service but if that is all it is I know where I would rather have their lips. I have to say this we have always struggled as a country we have a fight on our hands to keep this for the people by the people. Before it becomes for the few and screw you like a Twinkie’s commercial two for me and none for you.
You need to decide what you value or what you call riches if it is just money I may have said this before but it needs repeating “If your life is real shitty you need a lot of paper sometimes a truck load. The question is what are you going to buy with it? Love respect or kindness the sad truth is you can’t because you would not believe anyone who said they did you would think they just want your money but if you are living a pretend life anyway go ahead and pretend. I’m sure there are a lot of folks who will say I don’t deserve the riches I have. Truth is I don’t care how they feel having all that money and have to pretend they are loved for real never knowing whether they love you or your money. But I know love and love knows me and when I walk love walks with me and I got no hate and I got no pride I’ve got so much love I cannot hide. Thanks to John Prine for those words from his song all the best give it a hear. If you think I was talking about my riches being money. Then you missed the point and that is I’m rich in love and family not just my wonderful daughter but two wonderful grand kids and a wonderful young man who is now my son. And I may not deserve them but I will never give them back. And as many hardships as we have been through I would not hesitate a second to do it all over again.
And when you say family is the only thing that matters you have to wonder what they mean Like the Manson family or Adams family or an incubator in a chicken farm it’s a shelter from the storm where you can learn to live among the crazy’s and have a place to retreat to. It’s a lot more than just being born somewhere. But that being said the good thing about being born in a family you have to deal with folk’s that are different than you and having to care for someone you don’t agree with. The lesson there is you can love someone but not everything they do. Which will help you with the family you adopt latter learning to forgive. I grew up in one of those chicken farms and if it wasn’t for some letters they showed me latter I would have never known they cared or at least glad to see me when I was born. So as many problems there was between my brothers and sisters I understand they were just trying to survive in a make believe home. What we thought was a family back in the 1950’s you were considered property to do with what they will. There were family’s back then who could openly fuck there kids it wasn’t talked about much but we knew kids at school who were dealing with it. We even had a gym teacher who used to sing at the shower stales. Singing I can’t tell the difference any more they both have long hair curls in their hair I can’t tell the difference any more. The only thing that was different back then was we weren’t allowed to talk about it. They were despite to be in control because they sure did not have the ability to control them self’s. Yet we have this government that says all men are created equal but it sure looks like they believe some are more equal than others. The truth is I don’t care what my gym teacher likes or doesn’t it’s only a problem if he forces that on some one. This is about are right to choose our path to be at one with others without being that one. George Washington Carver said it best you never look down on someone or look up to them you look folk’s right in the eye. I might be as dumb as they think I am but I know they are not as smart as they think they are. And this is what our founding fathers wanted us to know and protect us from know it all’s because of one simple truth there is too much to know. Because they want to take away the right to choose the right to be an adult so if two adults want to get together to have some fun the rest of us have to fuck off.
Somehow after 9–11 and the war on drugs we glorified the peeping tom to save us from real bad guys even though not that long ago the peeping tom was considered a pervert. Are we trying to save our lives from being alive? I think we tried this before with probation trying to save folk’s from making a bad choice but it did not save anyone even them. It’s okay to say this is God’s country the only question is which God? The one that wants to be??One of the big fears that promoted Nam was there are too many people look at China so it was okay to start killing our young and yet we are really freaked out about abortion and we sure hate queers yet both slow down the population boom. That’s the odd shit about bigots they are always trying to find a place where they make sense if they can’t hate you for this they will find something Elise’s to hate you for.
Do you ever wonder if love works the same way if you focus on what you love will you become it? All you do is flip the switch and change the direction of your life. Anyway that the hope this is a brutal world we live in so it’s not easy but it’s better than not trying.
I guess I’m still trying to figure out how everything turned out so perfect there seems to be no way it could get better for my daughter that is. I feel blessed as a parent hoping there kid will be happy. My point is no matter how dark and hopeless things seam I believe false hope is better than no hope once again fake it till you make it. That is not saying you can do that with the past what’s done is done but the future is up for grabs so if you are going to grab something grab hope. If you ask my brothers or sisters about what happened growing up they will all give you a different story and that might be the way they handle that so no one will ever know and that might be for the best what ever gets them through the night.
I started this book a few years ago. And the important point of this book was what I promised to write down what happened to my friends in the service I’ve done that. This other part is about my childhood I was younger but never a child that doesn’t mean I wasn’t childish. I’m hoping if someone else is going through this it can help. Any way I have already told you that when I was born they were very grateful to have me they have a letter to prove it. But it ended not long after that I had a problem wetting the bed and my parents were very upset about this they had me see doctors about this and one of then cut a hole in my cock so I could pee more. Then they got mad and they got an electric blanket and put it down on my bed and it would shock the shit out of you. Any way they came down one night and found me sleeping on the floor. My mother got mad as hell and started kicking me and screaming at me we did not spend this money for nothing. So they tied me to the bed I tried to not fall asleep but I remember waking up screaming. It’s hard to know you are not wanted as a kid it starts the denigration processes. And you lose your right to be human the family dog was more important than me. We lived up on the hill of the upper crust but you would never know it by looking at us kids the only good things we had to wear was our Sunday outfits. I thought school could be a place I could find peace. But I remember in 3rd grade I had a teacher by the name of Mrs. Larsen one day she claimed I said something real bad and grabbed me by the ear and was dragging me back to the sink to wash my mouth out with soap. When she got back to the sink she grabbed the soap but I grabbed it out of her hand grabbed her by the back of her hair and put the soap in her mouth. I was sent right then to the principal’s office Mr. Denim and he started to throw books at me and afterwards I had to stay after school and throw a medicine ball with him those were a large leather ball that ended my hope for peace at school. I don’t remember having any friends up on the hill there were some kids that would talk to me and that was as close as I got to ever having a friend. My dad and me never got along when I was young I remember he was upset with me not understanding about God and the hereafter so he chocked me until I passed out when I came back he asked me if I saw Jesus I said no so he chocked me again but the next time I came back as far as he knew I sure as hell did. I never got along with my dad until way later in life. No matter how many beatings I had at his hands I have to say he never hit my mother which is amazing because they did not like each other I think that is why he beat the crap out of me. When I was 11 years old I took the Winchester 33 rifle and waited in the closet and he would have come home that day I would be writing this from prison because I sure would have killed him sure as eggs are eggs. And most every summer they would send me off to work at some ones farm. It wasn’t just my dad my mom sent me off to the Biggelers one of her cousins and they beat the crap out of her she stepped on a nail there and almost lost her leg so I always wondered why she sent me there. And the same damn thing happened to me I stepped on a nail to and they beat the crap out of me to the only thing that saved my leg was they took me to the vet so they treated me like a dog
Around that time my 3rd brother got in an altercation with the bus driver and went a little crazy as well as my mother she ended up in the nuthouse. Which left me to take care of the kids getting them ready for school and fixing dinner no way my dad was going to do squaw work. No matter how fucked up shit was between me and my dad you can’t forget the good things he did even if it wasn’t a lot. B.Y.U. Sent him and his family down to Venezuela to work when we were there he came to us one day and said we are giving Christmas away which at first was a crappy thing to do. We drove off towards the mountains to where some Indians lived we had little packages of toys to give them. I will never forget the look in there eye’s when we gave them those toys. It’s funny how good you feel when you help others to feel good I will never forget that or how clean there dirt floors were or there hub caps and soup cans were unlike the ones up on snobs hill it always hit me as very odd. And when I was in the service my dad wrote to our Congress man to make sure I was taken care of. He also helped me with the extra money I needed to get my daughter out of harm’s way.
The last thing that happened up on the hill with my dad was what got me thrown out of the house I don’t remember what started it but he came after me with a broom and broke over my back a few times I remember looking at him and smiling saying you’re getting older I’m getting stronger it won’t be long dad. It wasn’t long after that they came with a list of demands that I needed to follow or leave I was shocked they were going to let me go I had to force myself not to smile so they would not make me stay. So I grabbed some things walked out the door and just kept going that was the day I was born and by the way I pissed the bed one more time and then never again go figure if you stop beating someone they stop pissing on everything? As far as the wise ass who thought sparring the rod would spoil the child yet your living in a world that is killing our kids all the time or we find out latter those same folk’s that were going to make sure there were no spoil kids out there were also fucking them. Making sure that we stop abortions so they can pick and choose who they want to fuck but it’s still the same folks who sent kids to Nam to die. So if they wave the flag even if they are wiping there ass with it they are all shouting make America great again yet they have never read the constitution only pretend they have. I know a lot of good folk’s think things are as bad as they have ever been. But what is different now is we have so many smart phones out there now so are kids are learning firsthand about the news not from pare-conditioned history books that tell them what the crazy want them to know but right at the moment it happens that is going to be a game changer and maybe we can clean out congress and the senate of prostitutes with folk’s who will take care of this country for the sake of this country. I will say to all the young folks out there get an education even if you have to steal it sit in on classes on the campus find it on line don’t let these new teachers steal your life for a price. I think I have already said this but when my parents throw me out of the house that was not good enough for them they went to the Provo school board and told them I was a waste of time to educate so I’m not sure who is the bigger asshole I think it’s a tie. Any way that did not stop me from learning just made me try harder. The main thing I tell my daughter is she is the one who decides what she has done is right everyone else has a right to their opinion it’s just a silly thought when it comes to your life let them have their silly thought. In closing I would like tell young folk’s a simple truth life is a gamble but there are some things you never put on the table most of all your loved ones after that if you put your manhood on the table you lost it just being willing to gamble with it means you’re not sure or if you’re a man if you put worthy on you lost it as well as women hood these are other words that mean your soul the minuet you it on the table you lose it. There are a lot of folk’s that don’t believe in that. But just in case give yourself a chance to find out. This docent belong to any church or any other organization it belongs to you give yourself a chance to find out what it’s worth you may be shocked but I wish you all the best.
Jess Russell Bushman

P.S One thing I need to add is about immigration we let immigrants fight for our country but we won’t let them be citizens among the many things that are wrong this one stands out. But in closing let me say I have all the hope in the world when I see young kids stand up for what they believe in like Greta Thumberg and those standing up for gun control. And what we thought was a bad thing like always looking at there smart phones is helping them be smarter than we ever were God bless them. I also have to add how wonderful my Daughter is . She recently stopped me from bad mouthing or president it’s not always the truth what they say about one person when so many have sold out now the truth is for sale we have to be able to trust our self’s to find the truth.

The one thing I need to say to all those Americans who oppose the rights of migrants is they are talking about the rights for them self’s . If you take away others rights it’s only a matter of time before you lose your own. Just because you wave the flag won’t make you an American there is an idea you missed out on that is what are forefathers were saying. If you don’t know that then it’s hard to tell if your talking or farting.

After every thing is said and dumb I hope the world finds an answer to this terrible virus and we learn to take better care of each other and better care of the world we live in. If any one cares about any one other than them self’s? This is how you learn to care about your self help some one else to learn how to care for your self .

I believe we need to try and help those folk’s who invaded or capital like junkies who need a fix from some one who pretended to care for them. We need to show them what the constitution real stands for as well as every one. If we use hate we will be just like them.

Learn to be okay in your eye’s not so much others be your own approval . Understand it is always about what you do.